Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
Randomize
