I haven't been this sober since birth.
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
I feel like I should I write an apology note to the frat for falling down stairs, passing out on the couch, and chugging the entire bottle of burnetts at semiforml last weekend. Apparently I was the main topic of discussion at their chapter meeting last night.
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
I don't think everyone found it as funny as I did... Nothing says "Party's Over" like the sound of a pump action shotgun.
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
just like cleaning my room and being more organized in my life. more so just making sure a toaster doesn't end up in my car again for 2 months
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
Randomize
