I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
Being an adult is fun. You can experience a break up, then go fuck someone else in the woods.
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
She started crying, nearly punched a guy, started smoking multiple cigarets backwards and broke the slide on her bong. Why do I always end up babysitting the crazy ones?
Randomize
