I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
When she can manipulate the direction of her leg hair, you know its time to leave
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
Randomize
