my little brother got his license today.. too early to ask him to DD?
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
Got one of only two perfect scores in the class on the quiz I took drunk. This is not a good thing for me to have learned about myself.
creepy tank top guy is at campus health. he's hitting on a girl recovering from a panic attack.
I just wanted to share with you that my life has come to naked arts and crafts, to fix my flask, with a rum and coke in my hand... Good luck on your exam
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
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