Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
This wouldn't happen so much if fat girls would just stop being so damn easy.
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
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