Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
I am watching xfiles and eating microwaved cookiedough, and I see nothing wrong with it.
So...#1 on my TO DO list for college is to fuck someone somewhere in the stadium during the homecoming game...you down?
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
Randomize
