Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
I'd fuck her but she fucked Dusty. And I'm pretty sure he's humped livestock
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
Randomize