she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
In other news I saw a pack of make believe zombies walking down green st.
gotta love wednesdays
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
I was just asked if I wanted to struggle snuggle. She's a keeper
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
We left the bar and you kept yelling "ONWARD SCION, TO GLORY!!"
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
Randomize
