Should I text him? Life is confusing when you actually like someone instead of just wanting to blow them.
I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
I wish you were awake and high the same times I was awake and high. And also in the same state. So we can fuck passionately.
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
That man makes my giblets tingle
Congrats? I think?
Randomize
