my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
last final went out with a bang.. 20 min late bra-less, cum in my hair and i still cant find my shoes.
Im experiencing the awkward moment after realizing two of my straight female friends have had sex with each other
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Randomize
