May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
barbara walters just said penis...
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
The party theme was heirs and heiress's. Most guys came in polo shirts but he came as the "arch duke of vagina".
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
So much to do, haven't done anything except hook up with sailors and work on my tan.
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
On another note, I almost lost one side of my fake butt. Dancing the wobble with the fake butt isn't recommend.
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
Randomize
