Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
We just made watching Intervention into a drinking game. We drink everytime someone does drungs.
Why does everyone think all I do is drink? I go to class on wednesdays
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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