Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
he threw up in a solo cup, then washed it out and used it to play flip cup. Im not sure if thats resourceful or disgusting.
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
I accidentally kneed him in the balls while trying to straddle him so we ended up spending the night watching ffm porn online
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
What is it about fresh air and wanting to talk about penises
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
Randomize