How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
can we get nightvision for the apartment?
If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
I don't know if you remember, but I was only wearing an afghan.
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
If I had that in my pants Omg I would want a shirt made so everyone knew
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
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