The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
She made a list of the things each of us had done wrong and assigned a point system. Guess who came out the loser?
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
He wouldn't let me go down on him. He stopped me and told me he was a giver.
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
Randomize
