Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
Is it just me or do I always seem to have cum in my bellybutton?
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
I'm going to a foam party and gonna grind someones dick off hayy
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
I like your optimism Chelsea but I'm not about getting my salad tossed
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
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