apparently i started the naked brigade. and depantsed everyone who wasn't naked. her parents must hate me.
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
The last thing I remember was doing a line in the shape of Texas
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
Randomize
