Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
Its like Laser Tag, but more fun because it ends in sex
My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
april was a good month for me, sexually...doubled my number, had a threesome, fucked a girl for the first time and two different boys in one night. there should be a medal
Randomize
