1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
Soap is not a condiment
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
I take pleasure in knowing how many gallons of booze we've put away in comradery.
I think we should measure in "bathtubs"
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
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