Saw shirtless man with angel wing tramp stamp seen biking in my neighborhood. Considering moving.
he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
and thats how i got kicked in the balls by micky mouse
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
lol I'll trade you jello for a tampon
what a trade!
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
Want to meet at a cool spot and just park like cops side-by-side and you can eat some potatoes and I can smoke a cigarette in your face?
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
Randomize
