Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
Just saw someone buying TWO six packs of O'Doul's. WHY ??
I just got my poem back from the prof, there's a sticker of a girraffe on it and it says "you're awesome!" ... How can this even be considered real college?!?
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
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