Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
Randomize
