grinding to god bless the USA? really?
shut up
What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
He's really hot. I think he's gonna be my reason to shave this winter.
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
Randomize
