i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
Would jacking off with Benadryl cream be good or bad for the poison oak on my dick?
Halloween is the end of the singles holidays they don't start again until st. Patrick's day we better get wifed up or it's going to be a long winter lol
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
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