im marching my happy ass in there and im not leaving until he cheats on his girlfriend!
the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
I'm surrounded by dudes and fupa's! No hot chicks...wtf!?
Medical industry, most hot chicks dont want to deal with blood + shit
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
I vaguely remember a drunken mid sex pinky promise to not let it get weird.
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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