also, you're talking to the girl for whom "deformed baby arm" wasn't quite a dealbreaker.
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
Giiiirl. Just had a BM that almost killed me.
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
Randomize
