I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
You're perfectly engineered for doggy style
WTF why am I in the Atlanta airport?
she laid there and continued moaning loudly for like 10 minutes after we were done, just so that her mom would be jealous
We fucked in my basement while hiding from the cops.. And now his Facebook picture is him and others holding up there MIP's in front of my house.. I feel obligated to add him as a friend.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
She totals her lexus and all she wants is to have crazy wild sex.
Randomize
