You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
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