your horoscope this morning...very interesting...good luck today
Ok walking to car, 3 gay guys park get out of car, one on phone says 'I dont know but I was definately getting some curb rubbing'
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
