are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
the sex was "jacking off to playboy" bad.
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
Randomize
