boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
I'm driving behind a lime green VW that has "Seniors '10!" shoe polished on the rear window. i haven't even seen her yet, but I do have a boner.
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
I think I used my NERF gun during sexual roleplay. Need to re-evaluate my life choices.
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
Don't get mad but There's blood everywhere and the only thing I remember is the bj from your cousin.
Randomize
