I'm gonna play a drinking game called "Sarah takes the train"
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
If it goes near your penis, it should not go near the Hawks.
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
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