Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
i think 'regret' was last night's theme. i could taste it in my mouth and woke up next to it.
All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
Plus it's a good way to scope out guys. Have them fight for you, like real males do in nature.
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize