At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
i think our first tip to leave should have been when we saw the drinks were coming out of a gas can
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
Randomize
