You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
He said he had a gf but the monogamy was "only implied".
i just went to use the bathroom this morning and I couldn't because there was someone puking in every stall. i'm going to miss the dorms this summer
she said shes getting her period tomorrow so she wants to have sex now. i didnt object. it would have been heartless.
ofcourse you didnt.
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
Its raining shots and i keep catching them in my mouth like you with dicks shits crazy
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
Well, if I'm gonna go gay, it's gonna be for NPH
Randomize
