I found the seven page love letter I had written you. I'm sorry i was so obsessed.
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
I gotta find new tactics tho. There's just so many tied up dicks one can look at before part of your soul dies.
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
If you fuck her..... You will be in great danger. Like in so much danger it would be like walking into a pit of crocodiles who haven't eaten and you also just stole their baby.
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
Randomize
