Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
just walked into the room and her sister said loudly, "do him, or I will."
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
MESSY REBOUND SEX HERE I COME! Time to start stretching to fit in my back seat again ...
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
Randomize
