I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
judging by the cake all over the hall, my neighbors had a pretty successful thursday too.
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
I'm just crazy horny about you
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
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