i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
You did a line of free coke with an obese Slovenian unlicensed cab driver in the toilets of the most questionable strip club in the country. New low man.
When you put it like that, I'm inclined to agree.
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
Randomize
