Sooo i definitely have a major burn on my chin from kenny's ...stubble from making out for hours while coked up. Pure class.
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
the best job he will get is a sex ed teacher in alabama
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
Randomize
