I mean. If you don't have time I understand, but my dick doesn't.
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
I did the seizure Bad Romance dance again last night, didn't I?
you were really good actually. your skill is increasing over time
cat food counts as protein by the way
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
Randomize
