1. Mark my dj buddy and I spent $1000 on bottles last night
2. We were casually offered narcotics while walking down the street
3. I will still be awake when you start school tmw, cause there's no last call
So if any tells you miami is the same as the rest of america, there are just lying to you
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
You can identity the picture as me the mistress his wife and him. It's that kinda awkard.
I feel like death gave me a hand job
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
it was good sex until i became a rubber doll and he became a jack hammer, so i guess overall it was good
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
Now I can't say for certain but I'm 90 percent are I bathed myself with dog shampoo last night
Yeah, he threw a chair and hit her in the side of the head. She started hysterically crying and then proceeded to continue kicking our ass at beerpong. The girls got talent.
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
yea, she was legit pissed that her rasberry vodka ice cubes never actually froze. but we couldnt convince her otherwise.
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
Randomize
