So he sent me a text that said "say hi to your vajayjay for me"
Was there any message he wanted you to relay to your asshole?
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
We found her naked passed out on the bathroom floor. She didn't even make it to the shower. She was clutching the bathroom rug.
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
I just laughed at the word pudding. I have no idea whats going on right now.
He barged in the room with no shirt on, all fucking ripped with a half keg under one arm. Sara now calls him Bronan the Beerbarian
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
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