You don't have asthma, your pregnant
come over anyways, right now, right this second
it can be a super quick quicky, then you can go back to studying
wow, that sounds SO fun, please stop enticing me with premature ejaculation
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
After he finished he sang his college fight song like it was some victory
Well right but if we go, he may just disappear for a long time into the unknown with the drag queens.
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
Randomize
