You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
At what point did I eat out of your mouth?
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
honestly, i just want you to have sex with him too so that you can fully understand my appreciation of his dick as well.
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
Randomize
