a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
she puked ON me while she was on top, worst holiday hookup ever
siamese drinking twins saturday is a go ... bring duct tape.
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
Randomize
