I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
The girl I hooked up with in exchange for Ramen freshmen year is living with the girl I currently wish to bang.
Try oodles of noodles this time.
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
yeah dropping that class because i really don't want to be known as the girl who fell asleep in class and threw up as she walked out for an entire semester
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
You start to question your morals when you wake up at 430 and there's three people naked...that you don't no
Is it ok to bone a former patient who is also a client? Since it is two negatives does that cancel and become a positive?
Randomize
