Ok im wearing a joe flacco jersey and full stick on unibrow and hardly anyone else dressed up omg
Omg suz!! take the unibrow off
No! im just getting hammered instead
My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
nothing says platonic group sex like a campfire and smores
I have now ridden the bus with a ninja, a samurai and Jesus. Who says the bus is for losers.
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
I'm still me, I just happen to have things in my porn library that you may not have expected
Only you would come out as bi like that
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
