if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
I can only be a whore so many days outta the week.
Samesies
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
He's a prodigy! It would be a service to the scientific community.
15 is 15
He peed off the roof and then we bonded it was beautiful
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
Randomize
