My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
I like the one of me you and her but you're looking at me...Total foreshadowing right there. I'm cropping it
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
Although, I did get to see a Raiders fan and his toothless girlfriend get roughed up by the police and dragged out of the stadium. So the night wasn't a total loss.
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
Randomize
