you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
I HATE DRINKING WITH JUST GIRLS, ITS 1030 THEYRE ALL HAMMERED AND TALKING ABOUT HOW AWESOME THEIR SHOES ARE!!!!!!!
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
Randomize
