Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
i just met a girl who was sent to the hospital for using her phone as a vibrator and got electrocuted. 4 weeks later she got sent back for shoving a hot dog up there. welcome to the teenage american society
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
just got in my apt...and theres jungle juice here i left from over a month ago..this could be interesting...or deadly
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
Mm. I just want to eat pancakes off of his fine ass.
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
fucked a girl in Bentley hall at ten tonight, came on the carpet and I plan on doing it in another building soon. Watch where you walk
Well I just put wine in my tea
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
