The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
last night I thought his shirt said yale... but this morning it definitely says old navy.
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
The worst part was when I went to go spit it out and rinse my mouth, his grandpa was in the bathroom, so I had to fucking wait. It was awful. I finally ran to the kitchen and prayed his parents didn't come out of their room.
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
I sat on the bathroom floor yelling "hell hath no fury!" for about 20 minutes.
It's definitely revenge time.
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
You cannot steal the fun of my nakedness. You do not own my nakedness. My nakedness is my sole property and I share that fun with whom I choose.
Randomize
