Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
Was this before or after he told that homeless man outside the bar about his past sexual experiences?
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
I just laughed at the word pudding. I have no idea whats going on right now.
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
I went to watch porn and there's already 3 Santa videos. Happy November 1st.
Girl just left one of the apts upstairs carrying a giant bottle of kahlula and a lunchable.... I feel like we could be friends
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