3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
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