my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
Try denying you're gay when "I'm Not A Girl, But Not Yet A Woman" comes on Shuffle.
and then you went into taco bell without pants...and surprisingly you weren't the only one there without pants
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
There are about 5 pictures of my dog taking a dump on my camera and 20 of Brandon taking one for "comparison" reasons.
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
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