mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
My body isn't even mad at me...just disappointed
you know what its like when everyone is chanting "do it, do it"...still friends?
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
Oh yeah, found out i got it from my boyfriend's wife. Thanks though.
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
is it weird to think that girls born in '96 are now legal?
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
Randomize
